Thanks to those who sent unsent love letters. It was a privilege to read them.
I am a 23-year-old woman who has struggled with relationship anxiety and fear of abandonment after an ex. I have been dating a guy for four months (he's 24). We were together "geographically" for one month, and then had some time apart because of trips planned during the summer. During those weeks of distance, he always made the effort to text daily (and sometimes call) to give me updates about his trips, and so did I. There were some times when I wished he called more, and that he was as affectionate as he had been during that first month. (I noticed less sappy/sexy texts.) At the same time, I did understand the need for him to be present on his trip.
He came back from a one-month vacation at the end of August. We saw each other once and then he left again for two weeks to join family at an annual occasion. Then he left again for another family obligation. He missed my birthday party.
During that first month, we saw each other three to four times a week. Now I barely see him twice a week and I miss him. I told him that I want to see him more and he explained that he has important training (he's a semi-pro athlete), that he needs to see his friends and family too, and that he can't "make up new days in the week." I didn't feel reassured and I told him we needed to find a solution together. He agreed but didn't seem to understand my needs. He won't make plans with me. I know I deserve a man who's fully committed and caring. I saw potential in him, but nowadays he won't make much effort to show he truly wants to be with me. Can we go back to that first month?
– A daydreamer
This man has training, friends, family, and you. I'm not sure where you rank on that list, but wherever you are, you're not going to become a bigger priority, at least not now. He's not going to clear his schedule, and he doesn't seem focused on figuring out ways to see you more. That doesn't make him a bad guy, but it doesn't sound like he's the right match for you.
Why was it so great during that first month? Well ... it was the first month. Maybe there were less obligations. Maybe he wanted to get to know you as much as he could before taking those trips. Some people are great at staying full-time smitten with a significant other, but this man is not going to sustain that "I just met someone!" excitement.
It sounds like you need to date someone who is not a semi-pro athlete, maybe someone who is looking for a more full-time partner. His schedule is amplifying all of your insecurities. You've been very clear about your needs (good job, by the way), but he can't satisfy them. Sometimes that's just how it goes. It's possible that if the two of you had been home all summer, the relationship would have fizzled.
Please remember that many relationships will not start with three to four days a week. Quality time can be a slow build. It doesn't mean someone new isn't interested.
Readers? How many days a week do you like to see someone at the start of a relationship?