Seven months ago, I met this guy on Tinder. We talked every single day. We went on dates and eventually started hooking up. At the beginning of the relationship, neither of us were ready to be in anything serious, so we stayed close friends-with-benefits. He would come visit me, and I would go over to his place and spend the night.
One day I invited him out of town to a family party. Long story short, we had the best time. He got along with my family. The next day he actually told me that he had deep feelings for me, and, as of a few weeks ago, it was clear we had fallen in love with each other. We began to say "I love you" here and there.
Right after all of this happened and our true feelings were confessed, I decided to look at his list of contacts and noticed that he was texting a certain girl. It didn't bug me at first because we hadn't been in an exclusive relationship, but when I continued snooping, I found pictures of them at the beach, and one picture of both of them at a family party. I confronted him about it and he said he was sorry – that it was months ago. I let it go. Then I asked if he would stop talking to her, and he said he can't – for an important reason. I had this feeling about why and asked if she's pregnant ... and he said yes, she is. She's about four months pregnant.
I don't know if I should stick with him. I really do love him. But should I walk away? He claims they are nothing, and that he's now just sticking around for the baby. I believe him, but I need help.
You've asked about his feelings for this other woman, but that's not the most important question right now. Some questions of the moment are:
1. When had he planned to tell you about this?
2. What will "sticking around for the baby?" require?
3. Does he feel comfortable committing to you when he's about to experience this kind of change in his life?
I have like 40 other questions, but those three might start a good conversation. Question 2 should make it clear that he and this woman are not "nothing" – because they're about to have a baby together. They'll be in each other's lives in big, important ways, assuming he's going to help raise this child. The news of this baby can't be minimized; it changes the course of your relationship. Are you ready to be the partner of someone who will (and should) have to put another part of his life first? What do you imagine this partnership looks like?
I'm not saying it can't work, but it's not some small issue you can work around and forget. I'm also having trouble imagining how you'll be able to trust him after he chose not tell you any of this information. The fact that you had to snoop to get it is ... troubling.
You fell in love with what you knew of him, but now you know more. The information should make the picture look a bit different. Please remember that you don't have to be all in just yet. You can see how things look in a few weeks/months and leave if it doesn't feel right.
Readers? Stick around or let this go?