Reminder: I have a question. How long do you wait before sleeping with people? Did waiting (or not waiting) affect the outcome of one of your relationships? Have you changed your opinions about this over time? Tell me your thoughts at firstname.lastname@example.org. It's for the podcast.
Also, Boston Book Festival goers who like romance, see you Sunday?
Are soul mates real? I've been with my husband for 14 years. We have two children. He's a good man, a great father, and by all accounts a good husband and provider. But something has been missing for a while. We love each other, but not in the way that defies logic. I've voiced my concerns and explained that I feel like something is missing. I've suggested counseling, and he told me no, because he's "put all the effort into our marriage that he can."
He told me that I need to figure out what I need on my own and essentially get back to him. Around this same time, I went out for a girls night with friends I hadn't seen in a while, to a place I never go. I ended up meeting someone, though completely unintentional. The chemistry was immediate for both of us. One look and later that night, one kiss, and we were hooked. If you believe in signs, this chance meeting has been ripe with them. In addition to the details I mentioned previously, he was also out for the night with his friends because it was supposed to be the day he got married. He had called off the wedding and broken up with his fiancé weeks before.
Anyway, since that night, we enjoy every moment we can find for each other. In a few weeks, he is moving to Florida (1,000 miles away), and the thought of losing him is painful. He wants me to be with him. He is fully willing to accept and be patient with this transition If I choose it, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. I know the grass isn't always greener, but I don't think that's what I'm dealing with here. Do I leave my husband and embrace this entirely new life?
– What's next
I don't believe in soul mates. I believe in wonderful mates (many of them) who can touch your soul, but I can't buy into the theory that certain people are destined to be together. To do so takes work and agency out of the equation. Sometimes there's luck involved in meeting a good partner, but after that, it requires effort. Let’s not pretend that fate takes care of everything.
I think that when we see signs, it's because we're looking for them. You claim that all of your moves were unintentional – that this new man happened upon you like he was sent to you – but that's not the case. You chose to talk to him. You saw him. You were looking to connect with someone. The only sign here is that you were ready for attention from someone new.
I'm with your husband; if you're confused about all of this, you're going to have to figure it out on your own and make decisions accordingly. But please be practical as you take your next steps. If you've fallen out of love with your husband and you know you want to leave, remember that there are two kids involved, and 1,000 miles between you and this other man. A man who just cancelled his wedding. You speak of this possible life change as if it might be easy. As if you can just pick up and leave. But that's not how it would go. It would involve planning – and a lot of pain. You can't defy logic and skip over it.
Readers? Soul mate?