Why do all of these relationships fizzle

I'm looking for updates from former letter writers. If you wrote in, tell us where you are now, whether the advice helped, and how it all worked out (or didn't). Send your update to meredith.goldstein@globe.com with "update" in the subject line.

Dear Meredith,

I’ve been on Hinge for about four months. I’ve gone on a couple dates and met some potentials, but they never seem to go pass a month before I’m ghosted and left wondering what went wrong. They usually start out strong. I will receive good morning and night texts, cute compliments, and all the guys have shown enthusiasm about wanting to know more about me. I just can’t figure out why they suddenly fizzle out. Sometimes I’m tempted to message them and just ask what changed, but I’m afraid I might appear crazy. I will admit that I am shy. I’m an introvert who attracts extroverts, so I wonder that if they just conclude that I’m boring in the end.

There is this guy I’ve gone on three dates with and I've felt a lot of spark between us, but lately I feel him starting to pull away. We have shared some personal things with each other, and I know a couple family issues popped up over the weekend. I’m not sure if I’m being impatient or paranoid due to my past experiences. Should I just let this one go or be vulnerable and express how I’m feeling? It doesn’t upset me that he may have lost interest or maybe connected better with someone else, I just hate feeling rejected and not knowing why. I'm not head-over-heels for him but I think we could build something more.

- Hello?


If you meet someone on an app, see them more than a few times, share personal information, and develop some sort of routine for communication, you can ask them why they disappeared. It won't make you seem crazy. In fact, let's avoid using that word. Asking for more information – and a real ending – is golden rule stuff. It’s what you'd do for them if you were the one who lost interest.

I'll tell you what it is – the opposite of boring.

As for this new guy, you might try the truth. Not the "I'm stressed because people usually bail at this point" truth, but the one about you being excited to see him when he's free. He'll get a lot from knowing you're looking forward to his company. That's a nice thing to tell him – and it's at the heart of what you're feeling right now.

One thing to think about as you date is the power of actual phone calls. I know, I know – calling someone these days can be weird. It can feel intrusive, especially with someone new. But having just one phone conversation with a person can set the precedent that you can talk, not just text. It builds intimacy. Sometimes people (maybe you) are quite good at phone calls. Maybe after a few dates, it's something worth trying.

You can also share what you know about yourself. You can tell this man – and others you date – that you're shy, but that once you're warmed up, things get interesting. That says plenty.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you ask someone for a real ending? In a fast-paced app world, how do you move a relationship past the first few dates?