How I feel days after the long-distance breakup

My boyfriend broke up with me days ago. We started dating in the spring, knowing I would have to go back to college in the fall. We had a great few months and felt very strongly for each other, so much so that we decided to try long-distance. He had been in one long-distance relationship before, but I had not. Everything was so good, he treated me better than I could've even imagined. He came and visited me a few weeks ago. This was about two months into our distance.

We had a great time and I was so sad when he left. I thought we were doing well, but I wanted him to open up more to me. He agreed and said he would try harder and that we would talk on Friday. He reassured me that he loved me and wanted to be with me. That was Wednesday. On Thursday we talked again and he said he wasn't sure if he could be in a relationship. He said the distance was really killing him and he didn’t want to burden me with his own mental stress. We left that conversation without making a decision, but I was heartbroken. I felt like he was saying I wasn't worth it. I was so confused because it seemed like things were looking up.

While I was asleep that night, he texted me that he loved me and that no one else had ever understood him the way I did. So Friday came and I asked to speak again. We did and he was so out of character. He seemed uncaring and monotone. I asked to see him when I go home for Christmas and he agreed, saying he wanted to see me too. I asked him if he still thought we had anything special and he said "right now, no." That crushed me. I don't believe it for one second because I know how much he loved me. He said that maybe one day we would find our way back, but for right now, he isn't capable of being in a relationship.

It just hurts so much. I understand his reasoning and I can't ask someone to stay with me if they're unhappy. I just feel so blindsided. We ended it fairly amicably and I go home soon so I guess I'll see him then. Not even sure what will happen at that time. Not even sure what I want to happen. It is incredibly hard to study right now. I can barely get through an hour without crying. In this time, I'm just trying to keep myself distracted. I'm not in a place where I can delete photos and videos. I've been sleeping at a friend's house. It hurts so much and I feel so lost. I thought he could be the one and he told me many times he saw himself marrying me. It is so difficult not to know what he's up to or check up on him.

I hate not knowing what to do with myself and how to approach seeing him over the holidays.

– Broken Up


I'm sorry this hurts so much. Some breakups are extraordinarily painful, especially when you don't see them coming.

In your case, the holidays are also haunting you. You were looking forward to a month – December – and now it's here, but the relationship isn't. Going home won't be what you hoped it would be. That doesn't help with the moving on.

My advice is to see this man in person when you go home because while I do think phone breakups can be OK, it helps to get answers and whatever closure you can in person. It also gives you the opportunity to be in his presence after the breakup. Right now, all you have are lovely memories of him being a significant other. It can help to know what it's like to be around a person when it's over.

It sounds like all of this has made it very hard to sit still. You'll have more downtime during the holidays, so please plan for it. Set up visits with old friends if they’re around. Find a new series to binge. Reconnect with the things you liked about your life before you met this man last spring.

– Meredith

Readers? Can you help with the first few days of a breakup?