‘I’m not sure if breaking up was the right decision’

My boyfriend and I broke up one week ago. We met in college and dated for a little over two years. It was a mutual break up after a fight. A lot of things added up over time. This fight had to do with him wanting to go to a bar and not paying for an Uber (12 minutes away and he can afford it). He wanted to drive his car and have me drive on the way back. I said fine but I won't drink at all. He got mad and said I can have a few drinks and be fine, but I told him I'm not comfortable with that. He let out a really loud scream and that's how the fight began. We broke up and he ended up taking an Uber to the bar anyway, but first asked me if I could drop him off on my way home.

He drinks too much for my liking. In college we would drink almost every single night. Now it's cut down a bit, but he's always talking about alcohol. When I drink, I don't end up wasted like him. When he drinks, we always end up arguing and he resorts to name calling and personal attacks on me. My friend got married a few months back and there was an open bar. He never stopped drinking and grabbed the next drink pretty soon after the one before. I asked him nicely to slow down, and he got mad at me and said he had to take advantage of the free alcohol. He got really wasted and was really mean to me in front of my friends. This is one example of many others.

I'm in a bad mood around him a lot, which he has noticed. I feel bad for being so grumpy with him the past few months, but I was not been able to shake my feelings of resentment toward him. Also, any talk of the future was always met with him telling me he didn't think he would be ready for a long time. He said he would move in with me in five years, and that he wouldn't want to get married/start having kids for another 10 to 15 (which he admitted might be an exaggeration). That's fine for him, but I would like to start having kids in my late 20s/early 30s and I would like to be married first. Our timelines don't add up. Maybe as he grows older he would change his
mind?

I felt sort of fine at first but now I’m having second thoughts. I'm not sure if breaking up was the right decision. What if we're meant to be together? I miss him. I do love him a lot; I just didn’t like who he was when he was drunk. How do I deal with this? Do you think it's a good idea to get back together and give him more time to change? Maybe it's a maturity thing and he he’ll grow out of it. And maybe I can work on being less moody with him all the time. I don’t know if I'll ever find someone who I can love as much as I love him. I truly do love and enjoy being with him – when he's sober.

– Second Thoughts


"I'm not sure if breaking up was the right decision."

Well, it was. He's not the boyfriend you want. The drinking has become a deal-breaker.

You're having second thoughts because you're human and because this breakup is only one week old. Even if a breakup is for the best, it still involves some sadness and grief, especially when you've been with someone for years. It makes sense that you miss the good parts of the relationship, and that you wonder what might have been possible had you had given it more time.

But the reality is that he has no interest in your priorities. He might have been exaggerating about his timeline, but telling you he was 10 or 15 years away from marriage and kids was his way of saying "what you see is what you get." He is not interested in changing the way he consumes alcohol. You say nothing in your letter about him acknowledging a pattern that hurts the relationship.

You are capable of loving others, and it's possible to find a wedding date whose first concern is your comfort. Also, imagine how fun that wedding might have been if you'd gone alone. You could have traveled the room without worrying about your drunk and mean sidekick. You could have met new people and left in a good mood.

This is a good change. Let your doubts be fleeting.

– Meredith

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