Chat today at 1!
I met a guy for a date and we hit it off. The conversations we had were different than the kind I've had with other men on first dates. We seemed intellectually compatible; I have master's, he's pursing a second degree in science. We discussed our goals, and eventually ... one thing led to another. We had sex (multiple times that night), but then he had to be at work at 6 a.m. At 4:45, he was up, preparing to leave my place. He mentioned calling me at lunch, but he never did. We made a plan to go shopping together. He sounded like he thought that was a good idea!
But this was Thursday. I haven't heard anything from him and it's now Sunday. I'm concerned because we did not use protection (I know that was stupid!). I think this all happened because it had been more than nine months since I'd been been with someone. I was working on myself and so far, very good, but I feel like I really messed up. I knew it was too good to be true. Why would he want an easy woman? I felt his energy and chemistry ... but now what?
– Now what?
We spent a whole episode of the Love Letters podcast exploring when to have sex with someone you like, partly to dispel the notion that if you sleep with with someone too soon (whatever that means), you'll lose them forever. We did manage to find evidence to suggest that the timing of sex does not affect the outcome of a relationship. That's comforting, and it matches what I see in real life. Many great couples I know got intimate with each other on early dates. It did not kill the potential.
Also, let's never use the phrase "easy woman" ever again, by the way. You both chose to have sex. Your pace was the same.
I won't scold you for the choices you made that night when it comes to protection – it sounds like you're doing that yourself – but consider the possibility that the impulsiveness of the evening led to the confusion you're dealing with now. Maybe the stakes seem higher or more fraught for both of you. I don't know.
All I can say is that you're still evaluating each other. He has not earned your longing and unwavering desire just yet. You want to be with someone who follows through, and so far, he hasn't. Sex might not have killed the potential in this relationship, but that doesn't mean there was much to begin with. We have no idea whether he would have pursued a second date had there been so sex. We have no idea if a second date would be any good.
I will say that the invite doesn't have to come from him. If you haven't reached out, you can ask to see him again. The early stages of any relationship can be a bit awkward. Maybe if you make a move, you'll both feel some relief.
Readers? Should the LW ask for another date?