I was recently seeing a man who told me that he struggled with monogamy but would respect the fact that I didn't want to sleep with someone who was also sleeping with others. We had a few great weeks together – dates, great sex, laughter, and support.
Then he slowly pulled away and told me he'd met someone else who interested him and wanted to see how things could pan out with her. We talked around it, but he didn't seem interested in reframing the relationship to keep seeing me in some respect, or really to even build/maintain a friendship. My feelings are really hurt. It seems like he chose to spend time with someone else, and I have a lot of "why wasn't I good enough?" thoughts, especially since we had such a short period of time together. I couldn't sustain his interest for even a few months?
Any advice for reframing/getting over something like this?
Here's the reframe:
He told you he struggled with monogamy. As soon as he found another potential partner (because he never stopped looking), he pursued that experience. He did exactly what he said he would do.
You asked about building a friendship, but he was never in this for a pal. This man has been so honest about how he operates (what a gift!). Many people ask for friendship to make a breakup less hurtful, but this person is all about full transparency. He didn't see the need to offer something platonic when he knew you wanted more. Also, he knew you deserved more.
Let's say you'd sustained his interested for eight months. A year. Two. I don't know that a breakup would feel much better at that point. It would probably feel much worse, actually. It's better that you didn't get used to having him in your life.
This breakup isn't about you not being enough. Whenever you doubt that, re-read the first sentence of your letter. It tells you everything you need to know.
Readers? Any advice for framing this breakup? Should the LW have pursued someone who gave this kind of warning?