I am in a new relationship (a couple of months) with a guy who seems perfect in every way... almost. He is incredibly sexy, intelligent, caring, and makes me laugh, but recently he has seemed kind of jealous. We are both very busy people who enjoy traveling, which has put some strain on our relationship. Recently he was on a work trip that lasted a couple of weeks. It was fairly last-minute. The weekend he came back, I was out of town for a girls trip that was planned months ago. I figured it was fine because we would just see each other when we were both back.
When I was on the trip, I went drinking and dancing with my friends until early in the morning. I drunk-texted him about how much I missed him at 4 a.m. when I was out. I thought everything was good, but then when I saw him, he kept asking me if I cheated on him and if I was lying. This hurt me a lot because I care about him so much and it seems like he doesn't trust me. I have never cheated on him and I take our relationship very seriously.
I know that one of his exes was very manipulative and lied to him, but that is not something I would do. I want to stay in the relationship because I feel happy when I'm with him and I could see this getting serious. But I can't be in a long-term relationship with someone who is always questioning me. Is this something I can talk to him about or is the relationship doomed? This seems like a red flag.
Sometimes I feel like it bothers him that I am not more jealous because he reads it as me being uninterested. I am trying to model the behavior I want from him in the relationship. Will his trust strengthen with time or will this escalate into a controlling relationship?
– Out With Friends
"Is this something I can talk to him about or is the relationship doomed?"
Talk! Talk all you want. He needs to be told this is a problem before he can work on it. A conversation – sooner than later – might be a great help.
You can also empathize and try to figure out how the two of you can assist each other with the parts of the relationship that make you nervous. Like, maybe for him, it's the idea that when you're out with friends, he's the last thing on your mind. But I bet you have your own insecurities. They might not be about jealousy at all. Maybe they're about maintaining your routine and freedom.
Modeling behavior is great. Inviting him into your life is helpful, too. So much of jealousy can be about the creative, fictional story we write when we don't have answers. If he spends time with you and your friends, he might have a better understanding of what a night out means – and how it ends.
But please, start by telling him you don't cheat and that it hurts your feelings when he asks. Remember that this is all new, and that it's a great time to get to know him and ask question. To negotiate. Let your conversations shape the tone of the entire relationship.
Readers? A few months in, how do you put an end to this kind of jealousy?