She says I’m too immature for her

Hey Meredith,

I'm a 21-year-old male college student and have met this incredible girl. She's two years older. We had a pretty good thing going for a while, but she was also talking to another guy. I felt so much for her that I stopped talking to the few girls I was also talking to. I decided I would most definitely give it a shot and could see a more serious relationship with her. I paid so much attention to her and tried my absolute best to make it clear what my intentions were, what kind of guy I was, and why something between her and I would be something worth giving a try. Things were going well, but recently she has decided that I'm too immature for her.

She says I have mature tendencies and that I'm very socially aware of how I am and affect people, and that I'm still one of the sweetest and nicest guys she's met. But ... we've been to quite a few parties together and at two of these parties, I got completely drunk. I didn't plan on getting drunk but I was still learning my limits and about how alcohol affects me. She said it was very off-putting to see me in that state, and I turned her off. Aside from that, everything else was going well. I've learned a lot since those incidents and I've realized alcohol isn't for me. Sure, I'll have some with my friends here and there, but how do I go about showing her that I'm more than what she saw before? I still am interested in this girl, and I understand we both still are very young, but she's the most amazing girl I’ve ever met before, and I have even drunkenly told her I love her.

I completely understand where she's coming from and I'm not angry at her at all. I understand that we both have a lot of growing up to do, but I also know that we are not that far apart in age (she said we are decades apart in mental age). My other friends do not agree with her and say that now is the time to have fun and/or make mistakes, but I still see this girl as special.

Obviously, the first step was to control the drinking, but after that, what what else should be done? I also know she stopped talking to the other guy because of something he did, so he's not an issue. Any guidance would greatly be appreciated.

– Immature?


Sometimes the best way to prove yourself to others is to live a great life on your own. You can work on being a great person and maybe someone will notice. If they don't, you've still made all of these great choices and have set yourself up for more. That's a solid consolation prize.

I think that's the best option, in your case. You could reach out to this woman to say, "See how mature I am now?" But I'm not sure she has a checklist of ways she wants you to change. I think it's bigger than that. She was very clear about the lack of exclusivity in this relationship. Then she made it even clearer that you're in different places in life. It was important to figure out how to manage yourself with/without alcohol, but I'm not sure that was the whole problem. She didn't think this was a match.

Really, the whole "decades apart in mental age" thing is troubling to me. She's unwilling to grow with you, and that's what you need right now. Some people are all about learning with a partner, getting to know them as they change. She isn't that person.

Instead of trying to meet her needs – to squeeze yourself into her puzzle – think about your own. She's not offering what you want. That means you can walk away.

– Meredith

Readers? Should he try to show her how he's changed?