It’s over but I’m still daydreaming about her

Hi Meredith,

A few months ago, I got out of a relationship. I'd been seeing her for about nine months. We were local for about two, and then she finished grad school and moved out west for a job and to be closer with family. We had a long-distance relationship for seven months, and I made a few trips out there, and every time it felt like a dream. Of everyone I've ever dated, taken on dates, seen, etc., she is undoubtedly the best, and the chemistry and compatibility was like no other (and she tells me the same). Even during those seven months, we made it work and the spark never waned, with no obvious red flags.

However, we called it off because neither of us are ready or able to move to the other and have no plans to move in the immediate future. I didn't want to pressure her to move to me and vice versa, as we both needed to do our own thing. It was mutual, and we both agreed to take a hard stance on the breakup (no texting, calling) knowing how tough it would be.

Since then, I've been trying to get over it and even been on a few dates, but my mind keeps going back to said girl. On a recent date, I spaced out and caught myself daydreaming about her. On one hand, I understand we have to be real/practical, and that I need to let go and give it up. But on the other, I catch myself thinking that I've never felt so strongly about a person, and the bar has been set so high that maybe it's worth pursuing? Jobs, hobbies, and cities can come and go, but I feel that when you truly find someone you're crazy about and "gets" you, maybe don't let go. Thoughts?

– Conflicted between the practical and emotional


This is a great question right now. I bet a lot of people who've prioritized everything but relationships are thinking, "Hmm. If I had to be stuck in a house with someone, who would it be?" You really want this woman. You don't have to force yourself to get over her if you're thinking she might be the right partner for you.

When you’re head-over-heels for someone, it can be worth changing your plans. But that's the question, right? After time without her, missing her, are you more inclined to move? I can't recommend more distance because you wanted out of that arrangement, but maybe it's worth considering how a life change might work. You talk about the practical vs. emotional, as if one is reasonable and the other isn't. But you can make practical decisions for love. Relationships are not some frivolous, extraneous part of life. Your happiness is important.

One concern about moving might be that you only experienced two real months with this woman. That's not a lot to go on. If you decide to reach out to her and she's open to trying again (another big question), maybe you can spend a more significant amount of time with her. Take a week or two to explore her community. When it's safe to travel, of course. Right now, most relationships are long-distance.

– Meredith

Readers? Should the LW consider a move? How do you know when to take that kind of risk?