Even before the virus, he preferred FaceTime

Hi Meredith,

I need some perspective. I have a difficult time dating people with avoidant tendencies. When I get the feeling I'm being avoided, I can't help but imagine a dozen different scenarios of possible reasons why. I am mostly concerned about being deceived, misled, and taken advantage of.

I have been seeing someone for the past couple of months, and although he and I live super close, he would rather have a two-hour video calls with me than meet me in person. Even before the virus, we would go for days without seeing each other, and instead would use FaceTime. He says this is because he's still in the process of figuring out what he wants for himself.

He did express a desire to be in my life and said he could see us being together as a couple, but every single time I've asked what that means, he insists that he's not ready for this kind of conversation. He also expressed doubts about whether I am attracted to him; I never hesitate to reassure him I like him just the way he is. There's clearly a lot going on in his mind, but he will not open up when I ask questions.

While I understand that he also deals with anxiety about our situation, it's really hard for me to stop thinking about possible reasons why he's holding me at the arm's length. And it's not that I am unable to be patient, it's just that I would like to know what specifically requires my patience. So, I guess given the high level of uncertainty in this situation, I was wondering if you might have some insight and tips.

– Avoided


My insight is that I'm not sure he's the right person for you. This man is going through some stuff he doesn't want to talk about. Meanwhile, you want a significant other who shares. Who's around. Who's very much ready to give you more.

Many people have to bond on FaceTime right now, but that was your person's preferred method of communication before the virus. He might not be telling you everything, but he's been clear about the fact that he's not up for having a partner. That's all you need to know.

My advice is to cut ties with this person and use this stay-at-home phase of life to reset. You can practice secure attachment by depending on yourself for company. This can be an exercise in learning to walk away when someone can't give you what you want.

I'm not a fan of waiting around for someone who isn't ready. If he needed to slow the pace of a fast-moving relationship, that would be understandable. But it sounds like he's not sold on being in the relationship at all. You don't have to keep him around just because he said he'd like to stay in your life. You don't have to compromise with him if you're not really together.

– Meredith

Readers? Time to detach?