Letters to [email protected]
He is 23 and I am 21. We both transferred from our hometowns to our current college at the same time. We met on our first day, and everything went well from there. We are not in love, but we have a great connection. At school we are each other's closest friends, we spend our free time together, and have sleepovers on the weekend. We were together for four months when I found out he had a girlfriend. When I confronted him, he said that he has been wanting to break up with her because he does not see a future with her, but they still have a good friendship and he is afraid of losing that.
They have been together for six years and she is his first girlfriend. She helped him through the roughest parts of his life, so I understand that losing her must be terrifying. I would have left him, but since he hadn't seen her in person the whole time, we stayed together and I forgave him. He is going to break up with her – he said he should have before he moved away. I trust that he is not in love with her, but I am scared that he will resent me for being the person who caused him to finally let go of someone so close to him. We agreed not to see each other until he breaks up with her. But if he does break up with her, won't he resent me?
It's hard not to see this letter through a social distancing lens. I'm wondering when you'll get to reunite with this person, and if he's back home right now, closer to his almost-ex. But this letter was sent recently, so I'll assume you're in the same holding pattern.
He's been very clear about what's happening here (assuming you trust him). He told you he's not breaking up with her for you, and that he should have ended the relationship before he left for school. Yes, you're a catalyst, but that doesn't mean he blames you.
You should be more concerned about becoming her replacement. If you become an instant girlfriend/best friend who takes every call that would have gone to his ex, it's too much. Find a pace that makes sense. He should know how to spend time alone.
Here's my one big concern ... well, two. The first is that he won't actually break up with her (it's a pandemic, he's home, summer is basically here, etc.). The second is that even if he does, he’s a person who kept a big secret from you for four months! He lied – to two people. Did he learn any sort of lesson from that? How can you trust him? All I'm saying is that he has to earn it at this point. He hasn't proven that he can be a good, honest significant other ... yet.
Readers? How would you feel if after four months with someone, you learned they had a girlfriend at home?