Letters to [email protected] Have an excellent weekend.
I'm a 30-year-old man and I started seeing a woman in early March. We get along great, so I definitely think there could be long-term potential. We live close by and, since the lockdown, have been seeing each other nearly every night after working from home. This has caused our relationship to move quickly, way faster than the ones I’ve had in the past. For example, we have already had Zoom hangouts to meet each of our parents. This is why I’m writing.
Because things have progressed so quickly, I am starting to wonder if she is in a rush to get married and start a family before really evaluating if I am best for her. For example, she recently told me (half-jokingly) that when she turned 28 last year and moved to Boston for a new job, she was "on a mission" to find a husband. She shows me her friends' Facebook posts of their babies and talks as if she is "so far behind," as if having kids is a race. It sounds like her past boyfriends were not compatible at all, yet the relationships lasted way too long because she fought to make them work instead of moving on.
I feel that since I meet the minimum requirements around career, religion, attractiveness, etc., she has already made up her mind about our future. I think she’s great, but we definitely still have more work to do before committing to a life together. How can I tell if she is looking for a husband or if she really wants ME?
This is one of those moments in Love Letters where I wish the letter writer would just show what they've written to the person they're writing about. You're clearly into this woman. You've enjoyed her company, and not just because quarantine left you no other options. You've agreed to nightly visits and meeting the family. You like her a lot.
Your only concern is that she isn't paying attention. You don't want to feel like you're the person she happened to meet when she needed to needed to find a husband. You should tell her all of this. She should know that if you seem hesitant about her goals, it's not because you don't share them, it's that you want to feel like more than a puzzle piece.
If you won’t show her this letter, please talk to her about how some of these comments have made you feel. Let her know you're very interested in getting to know her – including the non-pandemic version of her. You would never want to skip past all of these wonderful moments in the present. Then ask her if she's also paying attention to the now.
It's possible she drops these comments to see if they make you run out the door. Maybe she wants to test your seriousness – to find out whether you're only all-in because you're stuck in the house. Maybe she's simply voicing this inner monologue without considering her audience. That's my guess. She'd be better off having some of these conversations with friends.
Readers? How can the letter writer bring up these concerns?