What’s with all the sexts?

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Hi Meredith,

I have a hypothetical question I really want everyone's input on.

A man and woman who met before – but didn't feel any sparks – resume texting out of the blue. He reaches out to her. Given the issues going with with social distancing and the fact that they are not meeting up, the texts continue and the messages get pretty steamy. But both parties also learn new things about each other.

It's all really nice until the man becomes fixated on the sex stuff. One area of interest, in particular. It's to the point where the woman feels that the getting-to-know you piece of this is is merely novelty.

Why do men do this? Why fixate? Does it mean the man is out for only one thing and not a relationship? Is it because the woman allowed the conversation to get so hot? Is it too much too soon? It's just tiring hearing it so often. It was understood the first time. Should it simply be interpreted that they have different expectations, so this connection is dead in the water?

– Tell Me Please


This connection might be dead in the water. Hypothetically.

It sounds like the woman wants to develop a connection, but the man is more interested in writing his own erotic fiction. If the conversation always goes back to that one topic, that's his priority. He's looking for a certain kind of text relationship.

It is possible, I suppose, that he thinks this is part of getting to know the woman. Maybe he doesn't know that it's become tiring. If the woman hasn't told him, she can and should.

If she sensed enthusiasm from him about getting to know her personality – what she likes, who she is – my advice is to see if he's willing to have an actual phone call. That'll give this woman a better sense of who he is and what he's looking for. The texting has run its course anyway.

If he's not interested in a call, that's an answer. If he can't respect her boundaries about steamy stuff, that's another answer. She should think about whether there's been enough of the "really nice" moments to learn more.

Just remember that this woman can always drop a phone call or stop returning texts, and that she can absolutely tell someone when they're making her uncomfortable. If it feels off, she should trust her gut and bail.

– Meredith

Readers? Are the expectations too different here? Can we be sure about what they are?