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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half now. We did have a month breakup about seven months ago where he ended up getting back together with his ex, who left him prior to us meeting. (They were only together three months before we met.) They were only back together for a couple of weeks and he realized he wasn't happy with her and abruptly left her. He ended up reaching back out to me because he missed me and realized he had messed up. (I had left him.)
Long story short, we ended up back together. Fast forward to where we are today, and our relationship has been amazing. We are both so happy and are talking about the future – kids and marriage. I had no doubt in my mind about him up until about a week ago. He got asked to be the best man in his best friend's wedding, and the bride's sister is his ex and will be the maid of honor. I will be a bridesmaid.
He saw her for the first time in seven months and has feelings for her. He's very honest about his feelings, which is why I have always trusted him. After seeing her, he told me he didn't know what he wanted or what he was feeling, and that he couldn't give me all of himself. (This broke my heart because I love him and told him that if he couldn't give me 100 percent, I couldn't stay with him.) He ended up spending the next day by himself; he wanted some space and time to himself to get his head together.
That night he was a changed person and he said he didn't want anything else. It made sense – we all experience emotions after seeing an ex for the first time in a while. The next day he told me she had reached out to him and that they had talked, and that it made him realize that he didn't want anything to do with her and that he loved me and couldn't lose me again. When I asked to see the texts and phone log, he said he panicked and deleted it. I told him I didn't want him talking to her and that if she reaches out to him again, I want to see the texts. He agreed. He said it was an emotional conversation and that it was closure for him. But what happens when we have to see her again? He doesn’t really know the answer to this either. Should I let it go and be OK with it? I don’t know what to do. I feel hurt that he talked to her on the phone.
- please help
"He's very honest about his feelings, which is why I have always trusted him."
Is this true? If it is, I think you should let all of this go. You're not entitled to know your partner's every inner thought and doubt. There will be many days that have him thinking, "Is this the life I want?" – even if it's just for a second – and you will never know it, nor should you. He can be forthcoming and honest without giving up every piece of emotional privacy. Do not expect him to tell you everything.
As for the deleted texts, they're private too. They were for him and this ex, as was that phone call. You should not be monitoring his life – not if you want a relationship based on trust. Honestly, he might have deleted those texts because he knew they would hurt you. Because they contain inside jokes and fond memories. Instead of showing you every tiny detail, he answered your questions. That's enough.
You ask what happens the next time he has to see her, probably at this wedding. Who can say? He might find her less attractive because of the closure. Honestly, long after the wedding there might be someone else who catches his eye – or yours. We can be committed to one person for life and still experience all of these weird uncomfortable doubts and crushes. It's part of being human. We get over it by showing up for each other and striving to be the best kind of partner. It seems like that's what he's doing. Get through the wedding and remember that it's just one day.
Readers? Is the LW entitled to see those texts? What's your take on the state of this relationship?