What's happening with you? Send your own relationship question to [email protected]
I'm a single woman seeking a nice man. It seems like I've met only liars.
Recently I met a man and I was open and honest about myself. I asked all the questions to make sure he was available. He assured me he was not married, nor was he living with another woman, etc.
I looked in his glove compartment and found a checkbook with two names on it – his and a woman with the same last name. I asked him about it and he was upset that I looked. I was trying to find something; my intuition was picking up on something not right. He claimed he had a joint checking account with his daughter.
I put that name in Facebook and found out he was married. Then he claimed "it's complicated" and assured me he did not want to lose me, so he's been lying.
It starts to feel like a majority of women find these men, and we have to look out for lies told by men who say their marriages are breaking down. He said he was going to file for divorce, but not if I wasn't going to continue seeing him. That spoke the world of him; he would still be getting divorced if he wanted to, regardless of whether I broke it off.
I was misled, but I know I will get through this. But I’d like your take on this, and why it feels like this kind of experience is inevitable.
– Sick of Lies
I'm sorry you had this experience.
I'm sorry this wasn't your first encounter with someone who told this kind of lie.
I do not think that this is the typical dating experience. Yes, we've had plenty of letters from people who've figured out that their new significant other is still partnered, but it's not the most common problem at all. I do believe these stories are outliers. I promise that there are people who are truly single.
Sometimes it helps to remember that there are a zillion couples out there. Some of them are very happy. Some experience discomfort that has nothing to do with dishonesty or infidelity. Don't let a few experiences become the always in your brain.
My point is that there's reason to stay hopeful, and now you know you know you can trust your intuition. You were sure something was off. You also knew his excuses were nonsense.
I don't know how you met this person, but for now, it might be helpful to ask some friends for setups. It's a little difficult to date right now because of the pandemic, of course, but perhaps there are friends of friends available for walks or lawn gatherings – or whatever feels safe in your area. It might be nice to meet someone who's connected to someone you trust.
It's also a good time to connect with friends or family just to hang out – anyone who can remind you that people can tell the truth. This man does not represent everyone. He's just one disappointing guy with a shared checking account.
Readers? Nothing is inevitable here, right?