He’s not out, so this can’t happen

Today is a really good day to send us your own relationship question. Loveletters@globe.com. Give me something else to read.

You can call me Bee. I'm gay, 33, and I met a guy online. The purpose of my online searching was only for a friend, at first; because of all of this pandemic isolation, I thought it would be nice have someone to chat with. The guy I met is 37 and bisexual; he is father of two kids and divorced.

I video chatted with this man and enjoyed his company. We talked about a lot of personal stuff, and he's sweet, cute, and funny. We decided to meet in person. When I arrived at his place, we enjoyed more of each other's company. Then he showed me photos of his kids and gave me a tour of the house. I felt very welcome and respected. But it was clear we were being private about what we were doing.

Then, one day while we were video chatting, he cried. I was shocked and asked him what was wrong. He told me that he is so happy he found me, but also scared because he's not out. Then the next day he didn't return my messages and I kept sending them with advice and positive words, and then that night he messaged me and he apologized; he said he is just overwhelmed. We saw each other again.

It seemed like he wanted to work it out, but on another day, at about 2 a.m., he sent texts that said, "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You are all I could ever dream about. But I am still a coward. You deserve someone better. Someone who doesn't hurt you all the time." I messaged that I was there if he wanted to talk. But the silence went on for two weeks. I felt lost and I didn't want to lose him.

He blocked me on WhatsApp. Then I noticed he unblocked me, so I sent some messages. He read them but didn’t write back. All I want is to see his face and touch his eyebrows and hug him. I don't want to knock on his door because his kids are with him. I am trying to be strong emotionally and mentally. Please tell me what I need to do. I am so lost.

– Lost Bee


Before I say anything, I just want the readers to know that this letter was peppered with many wonderful emojis that won't reproduce well here. But please imagine that there are bee emojis, etc.

Now for the advice. The thing to do is to grieve, get back online, swipe, and talk to someone who's in a better place to be the friend/more-than-friend you need. This was an exciting, romantic, intimate experience. But it came with bad drama – the kind that leaves you hanging and always longing for more. You wanted to be part of this man's life, and it wasn't an option.

Get over this like a breakup. Block his WhatsApp to stop yourself from continuing a one-sided conversation. Know that you have the strength in you to accept where he is in life – which is not where you are.

You seem to have so much to give. You are supportive, friendly, patient, and you are capable of loving eyebrows and giving hugs (I also love good eyebrows!). You went all in on this man, but you didn't get much of him in person, and not just because of the pandemic. You're supposed to feel lost right now (it is a breakup). Eventually, after grieving it, you find yourself. That's how it goes.

– Meredith

Readers? Advice for this LW?