Also, former letter writers (especially recent COVID-era writers), please update us. Let me know what's happening by writing to [email protected] and putting "update" in the subject line.
I met this guy via a dating site; he seemed to be the first decent bloke on there. We are in our 60s and he was recently widowed. He's a good looking guy and we get along fine, but I feel I'm being used. He comes to my place for food, drink, and sex, but insists we are friends and doesn't want a relationship.
I have been foolish to buy him clothes he likes – nothing but the best– but he gives me nothing. He goes for weeks without any contact and then reappears. He blows hot and cold. The latest gift I bought him (he didn't ask for it) he never even said thank you, but is happy to take anything I offer.
Am I fooling myself to think this could be more?
"Am I fooling myself to think this could be more?"
Sounds that way. He's told you he wants to be friends. That's the answer.
The thing is, he has not been great at friendship. He takes and takes (what friend feels comfortable accepting these gifts?). There's no gratitude or concern for you. Maybe he has his reasons for not behaving like a decent bloke, but they shouldn't be your problem right now.
I know it can feel like there are no good options on these dating apps, but it's healthier to keep looking. It's a waste of time to try to change someone.
I'm more interested in why you've put up with this (I'll assume sex and company). No matter the reason, I want you to learn how to walk when you're not getting what you deserve. Is that something you can talk about in therapy? If you're not already talking to a mental health professional, think about finding one. Dating isn't a natural, easy process for everyone. Sometimes you need to learn how to do it with the right boundaries for better results.
Readers? The answer has been clear. So what's happening here? Should the LW give this more time because this man is recently widowed?