I feel like ‘the girlfriend who got pregnant’

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Dear Meredith,

A few months ago I found out I was pregnant with my boyfriend's child. We haven't been dating for a long time, and this pregnancy has taken us by surprise. So far, he has been there for me, supported me in every aspect, and has found us a home to start our small family. Recently, we were having a conversation and he revealed that in his previous relationship that ended around a year and a half ago, his ex girlfriend had a miscarriage. I felt like a bucket of ice fell on top of me when he told me this.

He said it was a moment where their relationship was at an end because his ex cheated on him with someone else. He did say that after the miscarriage, she took some time off work and he took care of her and her expenses. I understand his actions because I believe it says a lot about him. But I can't stop thinking about him already going through the process of being an expecting father. I feel threatened by his ex because they have gone through so much, compared to my relationship with him, where it's been so short. I know it's unhealthy to think this, but I feel like he is just with me because of my pregnancy, although he says it's not. I just can't help but feel jealous of his ex, knowing that they'd been together for two years. She'd met his family and had been introduced as a girlfriend, whereas, in my situation, I feel like I'm the girlfriend who got pregnant.

– Anonymous

If he wanted to be with his ex, he'd be trying to get back with his ex. The end.

And of course they went through a lot of experiences together. Two years is a long time.

It makes sense that you have questions about why you and your boyfriend are together, what might be fueling the commitment, and how your relationship will play out over time. These are all fair things to wonder about. But they have nothing to do with the ex. Focusing on her is useless. My guess is that it's easier to think about her than the real questions popping up in the relationship.

Not to say the wrong thing here, but there are many reasons your relationship might flourish ... or end. You have no idea what any of them are, so stop guessing. I understand why this lack of control is frustrating, but take a few deep breaths. There's no predicting the future right now.

Also remember that by the day, you and your boyfriend are experiencing so many milestones. You're having huge experiences he's never had before, I swear. Try to keep a sense of humor about going through these moments with someone who's newer in your life. You are the girlfriend who got pregnant. And he's the guy who's choosing to be a partner and to see where this can go. Please join him.

– Meredith

Readers? Why does the ex matter? Advice for finding perspective during this experience?