My roommates are mean to my girlfriend

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My roommates are unkind to my girlfriend, so much so that she doesn't want to come over anymore. They make the sort of toxic masculine comments that you might expect; "she can’t be here, it's bro time." "Hey man, come spend time with the boys." But beyond that, they virtually ignore her presence. They aren't kind to her at all and she has told me she's had enough.

I have tried talking with them multiple times, asking what's wrong with me having my girlfriend over, especially when she wears masks and is not exposing herself to others. But they act like nothing is wrong. When my girlfriend told me that she doesn't want to come over anymore, I was heartbroken. I don't know how to remedy the situation when I've tried multiple times to get them to voice what's wrong. Now she feels neglected because I can't invite her over anymore, even though I still make lots of time for her doing different types of dates and such. What do I do?

– Frustrated


I want to start by saying that in COVID times, if you have housemates of any kind, there needs to be a big, group conversation about comfort and boundaries. If your girlfriend showed up with a mask one day and they didn't know she was going to be part of the pod, there might be some resentment. Maybe not, but please understand that it's a good time to ask, "What are our house rules, and am I following them?" If you’re the only person bringing an outsider into the home, think about what that means.

Honestly, it sounds like you might be done with these roommates – or done with having these particular friends as roommates, if that’s what they are. This group doesn't want your girlfriend over, and you're heartbroken. You don't want "bro time" on their schedule. Think about leases and possibilities.

I assume it's not possible for you to go to your girlfriend's place. If that's the case, all I can say is that there's a light (dim as it may seem) at the end of the tunnel, and that more people will get vaccinated over the next few months. All you can tell your girlfriend is that you understand why she doesn't want to come over, that you're stuck where you are, and that you'll do your best to give her as much attention as possible until the circumstances change. If she expects more right now, when we're all frozen where we are, you might have to assess what you're seeking from the relationship and whether you're both getting what you need.

– Meredith

Readers? What do you think is up with the roommates?