Pregnant and thinking about my ex

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Dear Meredith,

I met my ex when I was in high school. It was like a fairy tale story; we were both in line I turned around. We bumped into each other and hit it off right away. For two years we were only friends, but there was always that chemistry – that force pulling us together – and we'd flirt with each other. Finally he told me he didn't just want to be my friend anymore and he wanted us to be serious. I was very immature at the time and didn't really take him seriously and keep flirting with other people, so he started doing the same (even though I really did like/love him?).

Later, I cheated on him. I don't think he ever found out. But later on he cheated on me, as well. We ended things. I was heartbroken and we didn't talk all summer. After a few months, we talked again, on and off. We were both talking to other people, but every time we would see each other, we were all over each other. He was the guy first guy I ever loved. The spark was still there and there was no denying it, but it had just been so toxic we didn't want to hurt each other again.

Two years later, we were in the same spot – on and off – so finally last year I reached out to him and we talked. We were supposed to meet up but it never happened. He just flaked out. Then one month later I met my now husband. I fell deeply in love with him. I moved across far away to be with him and I'm happy. I'm now pregnant, and he's the absolute best. But I still can’t stop thinking about my ex. I still love him ... or at least think I do? I have dreams about him every day. Telling him I love him and that I'll never stop. I feel so guilty! I’m married and have a baby on the way! I can’t help myself but wish I was with my ex ... or that I could see him one last time to just know if we're meant to be or not. Should I reach out to him or just let my feelings die or hope they do? I love my husband. But I think my feelings for my ex are stronger. What should I do? Should I contact my ex? Get some closure?

– Never stopped


Don't feel guilty about dreams. Instead, think about why you might be so focused on this ex right now. Is it possible he's on your mind because your life is about to change? Are you feeling nostalgic about high school, when there wasn't a lot to worry about? I would imagine that a new marriage and pregnancy makes you consider what you've left behind. But remembering doesn't mean you're longing. You like your life now.

And let's not forget, the reason you're with your husband is because your ex flaked. You both flaked on each other many times over the years. Sometimes what looks like a bigger, better love is simply more toxic, dramatic, and distracting.

Maybe a part of you wants to know if the chemistry would still be there, and let me tell you, it probably would be. But that doesn't make your ex the right partner. Accept that there are many people in the world, including your ex, who will have the power to distract you from the relationship you chose and love. It doesn't mean those people offer more.

You did not choose your ex – for excellent reasons! – so don’t call your ex. There's nothing to say. You already know you'll still want to sleep with him. That doesn't mean much. Distract yourself with other romantic stories (books are great).

One more time, and everyone say it with me: Don't. Call. Your. Ex. There's nothing to see here.

– Meredith

Readers? Why are these feelings so strong? What do they mean? People who've experienced pregnancy: thoughts on this?