We had an affair. She moved away. Can I reach out one more time?

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Hi Meredith,

Two years ago I had an extramarital relationship with a single coworker, which occurred during a rocky period in my marriage. The affair went on for two months before my coworker ended things, albeit on good terms. However, we went several weeks without talking to each other in the workplace before being cordial with each other again.

By the time we were back on good terms with each other, she told me she was leaving our company and relocating to a different part of the country for a job offer that "fell in her lap" and was "too good to pass up." Knowing the career opportunity this was, I would've done the same thing if I were in her shoes. I was very happy for her and hoped/expected we'd continue to stay in touch.

The pandemic started a few weeks after she relocated. I reached out to her twice during the early weeks of the pandemic to see how she was doing, but never heard back. I tried contacting her again several months later, yet was ghosted. Even though things in my marriage have improved to an extent, I still find myself thinking about how I might have navigated the pandemic with her instead of my wife. It's been over six months since I last contacted her, yet recently I've felt very tempted to reach out to her again because I'm legitimately interested to see how she's doing, having navigated pandemic life living by herself in a new city. Should I try contacting her once more? Or just move on?

– Contact

Move on. If she wanted to talk to you, she'd have responded to your attempts.

I understand you'd hoped you’d stay in touch, but please think about this whole experience from her perspective. She took part in an affair. She ended it on her terms. You hoped to continue the relationship in some way. Now you're thinking about her because you've questioned your relationship again during the pandemic. This is all about what you want at any given time.

You weren't ghosted, by the way. She said a polite goodbye before leaving town.

Also, I don't know why you've decided that if you hadn't stayed married to your wife, this woman might have been your life partner during the pandemic. After two months? Of an affair? This former co-worker is not the alternative to what you have. She's not waiting for you to leave your spouse. If you ended your marriage, you'd be single.

It makes sense that you've had daydreams (I think a lot of partnered people imagined what the past year would have been like with someone else – anyone else), but they're all fiction. This woman never said, "Pick me! I'm ready to be your life partner!"

Leave her alone. Think about how you can continue to improve your marriage – and whether you want to.

– Meredith

Readers? Anyone on the side of reaching out? If so, why?