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I met a guy about a year ago and I fell in love with him. It wasn't my intention. I even rejected him at first, but as I got to know him more, I fell hard. I think he is smart, funny, comforting, and strong. He is everything I have ever wanted in a significant other. We got into a relationship about six months after seeing each other and things started to go south shortly after that. He's being sent to Hawaii by the Army with a contract of 10 years, and I am staying close to the place where we met in Colorado. He is leaving in a month, and for the last six months we have lost our minds trying to figure out what will happen and how we can make it work.
Neither of us want to do a long-distance relationship because it feels a little too far and a little too long of a period for that. Being that this is his first serious relationship, he is not ready for any commitment such as me moving to Hawaii. Both of us have overthought this to the point that we just argue whenever him moving to Hawaii comes up. This morning, he showed up at my house at 3:30 in the morning because he couldn't sleep because this was consuming his mind so much. He told me that he wasn't sure if he could commit to me because he wasn't sure if what he felt was true love. He told me that he wasn't sure if he sees a future with me because he cannot picture himself marrying me. I told him if that's the case and if he doesn't love me, then he should just get out and leave. He ended up staying until late morning, but I cannot get it out of my head.
I love him. And in this world, there's flights, phones, and social media. To me, it wouldn't be that hard to hang on to what we have, even if that means we have to have it in a different form. But does he mean what he says when he says he doesn't love me, or is he pushing me away in hopes to save himself from falling from greater heights when the time does come? Do I try to keep in touch with him when he goes to Hawaii? To me, this is a classic case of right person, wrong time. I just need your help, Meredith. I need to know if there's any way I can make this work, or if I should even try.
– Confused and in love
Let him go. Focus on making plans for yourself – seeing people, attending events (virtual ones count), and doing work that will distract and inspire you after he's left for good.
He's been very clear about what he can't give you and why. It doesn't matter if this is a timing issue. Timing dictates so many of our choices, which isn't a bad thing. If we're not all in for something, it won't work.
You say there are flights, phones, and social media. But even in a best-case scenario, where both of you want to stay in touch and make this work, having a pen-pal-style long-distance relationship can be lonely. It's also very expensive ... and, at the moment, it's pretty difficult to travel to Hawaii without a lot of preparation. If he's not 100 percent on board to try, you can't do it on your own.
This is sad – a big loss, for sure – but for now, let him go. Don't think about keeping in touch. Maybe at some point communication will feel right, but you're not looking for a long-distance friendship, so leave it alone.
Believe every word he says, even if it hurts. Grieve the loss and find other company.
Readers? Anything the LW can do to make this work?