My boyfriend met up with his ex

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My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for five years. We are vey happy and he is very supportive, caring, and we generally don’t face any trust issues or big problem. Until a recent incident.

But before I tell you about that, I want to tell you more about the relationship. At the start, my boyfriend was not ready to commit because he’d gone through some very bad experiences, specifically in a long-distance relationship. Eventually he moved past it, became exclusive and committed to me, and it was beautiful relationship.

The incident is that, without informing me, he met up with his ex. Then his ex texted me on Instagram that they met and had sex, and I lost all trust. When I asked him about it, he said they met but hadn’t had sex and that his ex is trying to break us up.

My boyfriend had already told me how much she lied during the relationship. Once she told him she had been – but she was with her friends. A lot of attention-seeking issues. I believe that his ex is trying to break our relationship, but … one thing I can't deny that my boyfriend has also lied to me (he lied to me because he knew I wouldn’t want him seeing her).

My boyfriend is little immature; sometimes he doesn’t understand how to talk to or comfort me. This one hit me hard and I’ve lost trust. What should I do in this situation?

– Trust Lost


The missing piece of information is the "why" of it all. Why did he need to see his ex? What did he hope to get out of the experience? Why didn't he tell you?

People in partnerships are bound to have their own wishes, thoughts, and independent experiences – and sometimes it's OK that they keep the information to themselves. But he knew this meeting could result in you being messaged by this ex. He knows she’s manipulative, so why did he feel the need to involve her in his life – and then yours?

Please talk about that, and maybe do it on paper (email or some other form of written communication). Not because you need evidence for some file, but because it sounds like in the moment, he jumps to vilifying this ex instead of talking about his own motivation. He works to end the argument, as opposed to figuring out what he hoped would happen. It might be easier for him to answer some questions if you send them and he responds, and you can talk (or not) after that.

In a world where we can be sure he didn't sleep with her, you need to be able to trust his communication skills as a partner – that he won’t just say words to end an uncomfortable conversation. Start there and then evaluate how you feel about the whole thing.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you find trust here?