Is he too busy for coffee?

How are you relationships (or lack thereof) faring right now? Do you have concerns about how to date or find/keep partners as we head into flannel pajama season?

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Hi Meredith,

Last year, I met someone at work and developed a crush on them six months later. I'm super outgoing by nature, but something made me so shy around them. I really struggled with the shyness because it made no sense. They are always ridiculously nice to me and I’ve really never, ever been shy.

Over the last five months, I’ve conquered the shyness and we became very close. Making lots of jokes, talking a ton, and acknowledging how much we like seeing each other. So many friends are telling me "he likes you! Ask him to coffee!!!" But, it never feels right to ask him out. Another part of it, is he's here for his work in science and always tells me how busy he is. He confides in me and gives me a weekly talk about how overwhelming his life is. There's no part of me that feels appropriate saying "well, perk up with me over some Java!"

His work in town won’t be done for years, but his work in my department may be done. I don’t know what to do. I’ve dated soooo many science guys like him before; they move to town for their science and who bend over backwards to make a small amount of time for me… until they don’t anymore. I want to see where it could go with this guy, but I’m already tired of hearing how busy he is! Help?

– Perking up


"I'm already tired of hearing how busy he is!"

I was just thinking that his daily to-do list sharing might get annoying.

And ... aren't you busy too? Does he care?

Also, if he has time to tell you how much he has to do, he has time to do it over a beverage. Ask him to join you for one. If he says no, move on.

Think about how much he asks you, in general. If you go out with him and the conversation is all about his work and how he has no time for things, he isn't earning your interest. Your life is important too, and it would be nice to date a person who can multi-task – someone who's excited about work (science or something else), but also curious about the world and where you are in it.

Ask him out. Make it more clear than your java line; simply tell him you'd love to spend time together outside of the office, getting some coffee. This is a great moment for the request because his time in your department is ending. I hope that means he'll disappear a little if this doesn't work out.

Learn from your past relationships. If someone knows they can't make space for you, maybe skip it. Unless you can happy with temporary.

– Meredith

Readers? Java time?