Q. Hi there. I’m 51 and in a relationship with a great man. We have a lot of fun together and we have wonderful intimate times. I love him very much … but he doesn’t love me. He says he is not attracted to me and doesn’t see a future with us.
I know I’m the fool for staying with him – you don’t need to advise me about my foolishness. I’m writing to ask why he stays with me. He knows he is hurting me and yet he keeps inviting me over and seemingly having a great time. I’ve been with other guys who do this, too. They have told me they aren’t attracted to me. Why do they want to hang out with someone they don’t even find attractive?
– Feeling hideous in Watertown
A. “Why do they want to hang out with someone they don’t even find attractive?”
I don’t know what they mean when they say this. If they find you engaging and want to be intimate with you, there’s some sort of draw there.
They might mean: “I think I can be more attracted to someone else, and I want to keep my options open. or maybe, “My physical attraction grew from friendship, and that’s the part of the relationship that’s more important to me.” It could also mean, “I have trouble being alone and your company, which is quite pleasant, will do for now.”
Regardless, it sounds like they do want you around – just not forever, and they want to make that clear. They believe they can feel more (emotionally, physically, whatever) for someone else.
You said you’ve experience this issue more than once, but please know that not everyone works this way. There are people out there who’d rather be alone than do … whatever this is. And yes, you’d have a better shot at finding them if you walked away from your current relationship.
You are good company. Give your time to people who earn it with actions and words.
You can let this man know that hearing him say these things is a major turnoff. Not attractive at all.