Is It Too Soon To Date Someone New?

Hey all,

Today at 1 p.m., the person in charge of blog fixes will be in chat. He read last week’s chat, but please come today. Find us here.

Also, send letters. What are your own questions about love and dating and staying together after a long time? I want to read your letters all weekend, so send them via this form, please – or email [email protected].

Dear Meredith,

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of four months. It was a mutual break. She was moving to a new place where she would be really, really busy with a new job and a new life, and my career is getting especially demanding this year. But… we broke up over text because we were both too busy to get together before she left, and I don’t think that we really got enough closure.

We both still liked each other, so we decided to stay friends … we’ve stayed in touch texting for maybe an hour once a week. But a friend recently started showing interest in me, complimenting my necklace, teasing and poking me, bringing up that she’s lesbian (like me) and wants to date, and seeking time to talk to me. She’s cute and I’m thinking about asking her out … but I keep thinking about my ex and wondering whether I can feel the same emotional and physical attraction with the new girl. Should I tell my ex I’m trying to move on and text her less? Should I take more time before dating the new girl? What if the new girl sees flirty texts from my ex on my phone?

- Maybe-not-ready-Freddie

"Should I tell my ex I’m trying to move on and text her less?”

Wow. You did the work here. Yes, you should give yourself the chance to get over your ex. Yes, you should see what it feels like to pursue someone new … because you want to.

Listen, I understand the question about taking time off before you date another person. But life doesn’t work on your schedule. If you’ve been thinking about asking this friend out, it means you like her attention, at the very least. Why not see how it feels to pursue it, even if it’s casually and slowly, one date at a time?

I’d argue that if your biggest concern is her catching flirty texts on your phone, a) you need to stop sending them and b) you need to give up your last relationship. You do seem to require another breakup talk with your ex about where you stand and how to maintain healthy boundaries. Initiate that discussion and go from there.

You didn’t tell us how close your friendship is with this new romantic option. Regardless, make sure you’re transparent about where you are in your breakup and dating process right now. You can tell this friend, “Clearly there’s some interest here on both sides, but I’m just at the point with my last relationship where we’re figuring out we can’t text like we used to.” Ask if your next step can be small.

- Meredith

Readers? Should the LW move on with something new right now? What about the former relationship not being so former?