After talking for months, she wouldn’t meet up

It's been a really weird few months of dating/partnership/singleness for a lot of people. Tell me what's on your mind. Send your letter through this form – or email [email protected].


I met someone on a dating app back in December. She was in my city for work. We were getting along, and she even asked me over for a booty call but I didn't go. We kept talking and so I asked to meet in person. She ghosted me. I moved on with my life and was fine.

Three months later, she texted me saying she accidentally ghosted me because she broke her leg and was on pain medicine and bed rest but now was doing better and was back home on the West Coast. Her explanation seemed plausible. We started texting nonstop and spent hours on the phone, including a five-and-a-half-hour conversation and a three-hour conversation. I fell for her hard. We texted nonstop for more than a month. I suggested meeting again in her town and she didn't say anything for two days. I followed up, and she said she would reply that night. She didn't answer the question. We continued talking.

About three weeks later, I followed up again and she said her leg got worse and it wasn't a good time. We kept talking but I could tell she was different. During my time talking to her, she showed a pattern of only answering non-serious questions and not answering serious questions or only answering them if I followed up multiple times. I confronted her in an email and told her the behavior wasn't acceptable and was rude toward me. I told her when she was ready to talk I would be there, but wasn't going to text any more until then. She didn't respond to my email. I followed up two to three more times, but it wasn't until the last time I followed up, about three months after the email, and only then did she finally indicate she was too busy and said it was distance and the fact she didn't have a chance to meet me.

I am so heartbroken and so angry because she clearly let me hang, knowing how I felt. And she did have a chance to meet me but chose to not take it. I ended things on a positive note, but am having trouble moving on. I never fully told her how much her behavior hurt me but am also afraid to because I don't want to burn the bridge because I still really like her. I don't know how to let go and move on. I want to forgive but also feel like she treated me absolutely terribly. What should I do?

– Heartbroken and Angry

"What should I do?"

Forgive her – and yourself – and move on.

The self-forgiveness is a big part of this. Sometimes when we feel like we waited too long for someone who gave us almost enough, we feel angry with ourselves. Like, why didn't we walk the first two times we didn't get what we wanted?

I understand that anger and frustration, but you've learned a great lesson here. You want someone who can figure out a way to see you, no matter what. You can't be satisfied by an all-talk relationship. You want the whole thing, which might mean you should be looking local. Now you know.

I wish I could tell you what happened on her side. Maybe she's coupled and a good liar. (It does seem odd that the one time she pushed to see you was when she was out of town for work.) Maybe she does have a lot of issues with her leg and just couldn’t deal. Perhaps she told you the truth – that between the leg and the fear of this not working out because of distance, you were better to keep out of reach. Who knows?

It’s great you asked for answers. Next time you'll start from a different place. If someone can't give you in-person time, you might not want to give them so much time on the phone.

Onto the next.

– Meredith

Readers? What's the lesson here?