I think about being with a woman instead of my husband

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I have been married to my loving husband for almost six years. We have a young child and are very happy! My husband is extremely attractive and he still desires me, and after having my son, I feel less than desirable. We have a very healthy sex life – quality not quantity.

I have a secret though – I very much want to have that experience with a woman. I just know in my heart of hearts I'm bisexual. I never really experienced being with a woman. I'm in my 30s now and I know myself more. I would be open to different experiences that might include my husband (if that's the only way to act on what I want without excluding him), but I don’t know if I could handle him having experiences with another woman, so I don’t think it’s a good idea. I know it sounds selfish.

He is my best friend and I can’t imagine my life without him, so I may just bury this with me. Is that the right thing to do?

– My secret

There’s a difference between “burying” a desire and not acting on it in real life. You can have an active fantasy life without changing the boundaries of your marriage.

Basically, it sounds like you’d rather keep things as they are instead of asking for a more open marriage that allows you to have new experiences. You seem to know you (and your husband) wouldn’t be comfortable with the possible aftermath, and that’s OK. It’s good you’ve thought it through.

I think this is more about grieving all the experiences you don’t get to have in life. You pick a path and it means skipping another (most of the time). Instead of thinking about these fantasies with sadness and longing forever, you can get to a place of acceptance, where you’re thrilled with the life you chose, and the other stuff is what you think about when bored, dreaming, journaling (if that’s something you do).

It might help to talk to your husband about his own fantasies. Not to make you jealous, but to remind you that everyone has them. It would be nice to feel like you make these choices (as opposed to sacrifices) together, and that if things need to change over time, you could talk about that too.

– Meredith

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