Also: former letter writers, I'm looking for updates! If you're someone who wrote in before, tell us how you are now – and whether our advice helped. Email your update to [email protected] with update in the subject line. Tell me what letter was yours and how it all worked out. We're desperate to know more, and we love new questions from former letter writers.
My partner and I have been together for six-plus years and have had an amazing relationship. During the times before COVID, we started to explore opening our relationship to mingle with open-minded couples or select singles.
We started to attend parties but never had any luck on really connecting with anyone. The conversation died down once the pandemic hit, but it has been on my mind a lot recently to bring up the conversation again to my partner.
But I’m also fearful because it has been so long since we discussed doing this, and I'm not sure if there is interest anymore. How do I begin this conversation again?
This would be more complicated if you didn't know there was interest. Your partner was interested. That conversation already happened.
The only way to figure out where you stand in November, 2021 is to ask. "Hey, the world has opened up a little. Do we want to open up a little?"
Do not use those lines; you'll probably say it better (my take is a little on the nose). But you get the point. "Do we resume what we were trying before?" is a very fair question.
I do wonder why you think your partner's intentions might have changed – or fear that there might not be the same enthusiasm. It has been a very difficult year and a half, even for those who've had everything they've needed. It might be too soon to dive in again for so many reasons. But if you can't talk about how you're feeling – even the scary uncomfortable stuff – you shouldn't be opening the relationship to begin with. This kind of arrangement takes a great deal of transparency, honesty, and boundary-setting. It takes the courage to ask.
Also, maybe you're feeling a little tentative too, and that's OK. It might be easier to suggest some casual looking, maybe on an app. Ease back into the idea. We're all trying to adjust to whatever we used to do (or wanted to do). A slower pace and less pressure might help.
For the record, I keep thinking about how my friend and I had plans to go to the New England Carousel Museum in Connecticut before COVID. Recently, I was like, "Do you still want to go to the carousel museum?," and she was like, "Yes." So we went.
Readers? How do you ask again? Why might there be reservations?