We all have a crush on her

Send your own relationship/dating/breakup/holiday questions to [email protected] or use this form.

And former letter writers (hey, you, from all 12 years of this column!), give us an update. Where are you now? Did we help? Email your update to [email protected] with "update" in the subject line. Tell me which letter was yours and how it all worked out.

Hey Meredith,

I recently started college and quickly became friends with a guy and two girls. We lived in neighboring buildings (guys in one and girls in the other). For the first few months of the semester, we would all hang out in the other guy's room, but recently I've been increasingly boxed out of the group. The girl, the other guy, and I all fell for the other girl in the group. When we would hang out just the two of us, she and I had a real connection – and the other two started ignoring me once she started showing interest.

Over Thanksgiving, she texted me saying she was thinking about me. I've invited her to things since and we seemed to be connecting more. However, her friends have come with her and they don't really let us talk for long before taking her attention. The three of them are pretty inseparable, but I know she only sees them both as friends. I'm thinking of shooting my shot, but can't tell if it's worth it given her friends' feelings toward her and their actions towards me.

– Fourth Wheel


You might as well tell her how you feel and what you hope will happen. Ask her whether she reciprocates your feelings and if she’d be willing to go on dates alone. If so, great. If not, you can define her a bit differently in your brain, take your holiday break, and return seeking different company. Really, it sounds like your crush is big enough that if she isn't up for trying a real romantic relationship, you'll want to take some space.

As for the friends (and yes, I know this is Love Letters), but you might want to broaden your horizons too. Many people here will tell you that the first friends you make at school aren't always the ones you'll keep by your side for all of college. Also, this is a time to meet many people (if you can; I know COVID makes this complicated). Make sure you’re not limiting yourself to the politics of this love square. Your school is a much bigger circle.

I bet many of us older people look back on college, our early 20s, etc., and wish we had been clearer about our intentions and moved on when we weren't getting what we wanted from someone. I know this is a big risk, but you already have a close relationship with this person. Tell her what's up and ask where you stand. Listen and learn.

– Meredith

Readers? Take a shot here? What about these friends? If the crush has feelings too, how will it be to set boundaries with the friends?