See you Tuesday, after the holiday. In the meantime, sign up for the newsletter.
I got out of a relationship four months ago. I was with my boyfriend for about a year, and then I found out he cheated on me. Not just cheated; he was pretty much dating someone else at the same time. I started to notice in June because I found a secret social media account that he had, and this woman would comment on his stuff. I confronted him about it and he said it was because he "forgot the password" to his other account." I didn't have this form of social media, but a friend sent it to me so I didn't think much of it.
A month later I went back to the account to see if that girl was still around, and she was. He wasn't really commenting back, so I asked him who she was and he said "just this random girl I used to be friends with.” I asked him why she would be so comfortable commenting on his stuff and why he would like a selfie of hers, and he immediately got defensive and called me crazy, etc. Obviously that didn't sit right with me so I had my friend stalk the woman's account. She also had two accounts – and on the other one she had posted a picture with my boyfriend; he had his arms wrapped around her and he was kissing her on the cheek. So that about did it for me!
I obviously ended things with him and blocked him on my social media and for texts because he was still trying to contact me and I had just had enough. Well, now for about the last three months, every time I go out with my friends and I'm in any of their social media posts, he will comment or reply the nastiest things. From calling me fat, ugly and all of the extremely mature things he could think of. My friends never respond but they tell me and obviously it bothers me. The kicker is, I saw him in person once a few weeks ago because he is in my extended group of friends. He did not say a single word to me and barely spoke all night.
My friends want me to "call him out” and confront him, but is it even worth it? Clearly he has some issues. It was hard enough for me to get over the fact that my boyfriend who I loved was cheating on me and my relationship was over. But now when I'm starting to move on, he's doing this? He’s the one who hurt me. Do I just keep ignoring him? Do I say something? Help! (Side note don't worry everyone, I took the cheating as my closure.)
– Calling him out
It's not on you to "call him out." There's nothing more to say; you just want him to go away.
If you're concerned about your safety, or if your friends feel you should be worried, that's another conversation, one where you can get assistance from agencies that help with harassment. But for now, give it no oxygen. He wants attention, and I'm not sure that will stop if you oblige. All it does is reopen a closed conversation.
I would talk to your friends about whether they want to block him, if they're concerned about their interactions with him (even the small ones online), and how you can deal with this as a group. He's certainly involving everyone. Also, it would be good to know if he's going to be somewhere – like a party – so you never have to be surprised by his presence. This might require letting go of some of these third-tier friends in the extended group who still invite him to things.
I'm sorry it went down this way and that it's created discomfort in your circle. I just want you to keep yourself safe. Right now, you're working on moving on. You don't want to talk to him, so that's the answer. Remember, you're not ignoring him as part of some silent treatment. This isn't temporary and he should know.
Readers? Ignore? What can the friends do to help?