I’m having doubts about my girlfriend

Send your question to [email protected] (or use this form).

My girlfriend and I have been together for over six years and we're both in our late 20s. Lately I've been second-guessing our relationship as we both mature and think about "next steps" (read: marriage, pets, kids, the whole nine yards).

There were certain aspects of our relationship that seemed incompatible when we first started dating, but those issues have really been at the top of my mind recently. I thought these issues would minimize over time, but they've only become bigger.

Our personalities clash on things like social gatherings and spending time with our friends (independently and together). Basically, I want to move in the direction of spending more time with friends and family and she doesn't. As I think about the next few years (when adulthood really sets in), I'm really concerned that I'm personally going down the wrong path and this isn't going to be a healthy and happy relationship long-term.

We undoubtedly have a strong connection and get along great, but issues around the edges have me concerned.

– Second Guessing

It's time to make these issues known.

Tell her you're second-guessing your future together because of these big differences. Explain that you want to be with a partner who doesn't just put up with your need for community, but embraces it. Loves it. It’s a huge priority for you. She should know.

You can tell her what a more social future looks like to you. Does it mean you're out of the house three nights a week? More? Would you want a partner to be there with you? She should get a sense of whether you've been holding back, what compromises would be required of both of you, etc.

Then ask her what she would want from her ideal long-term relationship in her 30s and beyond. After six years, it would be great if you could come to conclusions together, no matter how painful. I don't want you to go into this thinking she’ll make a decision and end it for you, by the way, but at the very least she'll have all the relevant information.

You can also tell her that she should take time to think. She's been planning life with you (I assume). You're telling her you have doubts based on lifestyle. Both of you should take a talking break after Conversation 1 to consider how you feel.

Basically, your concerns are very valid. Your letter does not say, "But I have to be with her because I love her." You want the right partner and you're not sure she’s it. Speak up.

– Meredith

Readers? Has adulthood set in already? How should the LW start this conversation? Can partners with different social needs make it work?