She didn’t choose me

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Hi Meredith,

I’m 23. I was talking to this woman and we bonded. It was so strong and special. She was a total beauty and we got along well. She made me a happier and a better person. We started making memories. Just thinking about her brought the biggest smile to my face.

We knew we had chemistry, but we didn't want to rush into it. However, a few months later she met another guy and she didn't tell me about him. I knew because I saw a post on her Instagram story. She was posting activities they did together that we also did together. It happened out of the blue.

She completely hid it from me for months, and I eventually told her that it was no secret – that I knew she was seeing someone else. She explained that she was open to exploring any other options for a partner and that the other guy and I were her "top two candidates."

Months went by and she and I still hung out and had date nights, continuing to strengthen our bond. She also did this with the other guy. But just this past weekend, the other guy asked for more and they made it official. She chose him over me and I'm so upset. I'm still carrying a torch for her and I don’t think I'm ever going to get over her. So do you have any advice on what I can do next?

– Top Two


What do you do next?

Think about what's actually next. Make plans with people you like – friends, family, colleagues, etc.

Consider what you've learned, which is that you don't like dishonesty. You thought you were building something with this woman, but then you found out via Instagram that she was multi-tasking. She wasn't cheating, but there was a lack of clarity that doesn't sit right.

Also, you spent more time trying to get to the No. 1 spot than figuring out if she was the right person for you. It doesn't sound like you want someone who needs months to decide whether you're enough. You had strong feelings for her, but that doesn't mean the two of you were a good match.

I'd also think about whether those feelings – which are so intense – are about a real bond or about longing. When you want someone who's just out of reach, everything can feel amplified. That "if only ... so close " state of "almost there" can be seductive. I'm not sure it's reality though.

You will get over her. Block her on social media and accept that you're leaving this with a better sense of yourself. Now you know you can ask for what you want. You understand that stating your intentions isn't rushing. I'm all for a slow burn in the beginning, but in this case, there was too much waiting.

Start filling out your schedule. Remind yourself that you're very capable of bonding with others.

– Meredith

Readers? Can you help the letter writer move on?