He says maybe later

Tell me your problems. Send your own letter to [email protected] or fill out this form.

I’m 18 and have been talking to this guy for the past year. We met through my church.

As far as the "talking" stage goes, we've done it all. When I expressed an interest to take things further and start an official relationship, he kept pushing it back. First, it was supposed to happen in the fall, and then we were supposed to date in the spring. I decided I would wait on him until the spring, thinking we could pursue a relationship together.

Things kept getting worse between us, however, and I kept finding out lies he had told me before. His issues with substance abuse didn't help. When spring came, he told me he "wasn't feeling it" and wanted to push it back again. He's so hot and cold sometimes, but he always keeps on insisting that he wants to date eventually. I want to be his girlfriend, but what do I do?

– Eventually


I understand that the heart wants what it wants (songs have told me this), but please take a moment to think about why this guy is your choice for a boyfriend. Make a list if you can.

Then consider my counterpoint argument.

He keeps pushing you off, he's hot and cold, he lies, there are issues with substance abuse that have affected your almost-relationship, and a lot of what he offers is "eventually" – which seems to never come.

You've imagined later as something wonderful, and I'm sure that for every day you wait, your fantasies becomes that much more exciting. But for now, that future is fiction. You’re writing it, so it can look any way you want.

I know this is hard to hear, but if he's "not feeling it" after two seasons, there is no guarantee he ever will. Also, it would be nice to be with someone who's excited to be with you. You want someone who feels it – and can't wait.

Think about what it would look like to move on. What would that require? How could you fill the time you spend thinking about him with other, more available people and activities? Start prioritizing now over later.

Summer is right around the corner. You don't need him to be part of it.

– Meredith

Readers? Advice for a young letter writer?