Years later, I’m still curious about his divorce

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My current love and I have been together for over a decade, but have not married due to his need for medical care thru his current insurance. Years ago, I asked why he got divorced from his first wife and he told me: "She wanted kids, I didn't." (We are both too old to have kids now, if that matters at all.)

Over the years, I have learned that he didn't show up to their divorce negotiations, and didn't ask for his half of anything – just walked away from everything, even though he was making great money at the time AND financed half their townhome purchase. I suspect there is more to the story but he won't tell me.

His family is still in contact with his ex, but via Facebook. I want to know the real reason he walked because I feel like he's not telling me the whole story. Due to his medical condition, he may not remember what actually happened either (it affects memory).

Should I just let it lie? Should I reach out to the ex-wife or the girlfriend after her? (I'm friendly with the ex-girlfriend he dated before me for six years.)

I don't think it will change anything in our relationship, but I just want to know in case it was something really bad, you know?

– Wondering


You've made it a decade without understanding the specifics of the divorce. Why is it important now? That's what I want you to think about.

Do you resent that he doesn't have more money? That he can't marry you? Are you in a position of caregiving that is overwhelming? Most importantly, does he treat you well? Are you supported by others in your life?

I would focus on those questions instead of what happened so long ago. Because I'm not sure what you mean when you say the real story might be "really bad." What makes you think that?

It seems like you're stuck on this because of uncomfortable feelings about what you're experiencing now. Therapy could help with that. It might also help to write down a bunch of questions – maybe on real paper. Then move to feelings. What do you really need right at this moment?

If you can't move on from the question, and it’s is an information itch you have to scratch, don't call the ex-wife, please. It sounds like your closest relationship is with the ex-girlfriend. If you must, start there.

– Meredith

Readers? Would you turn to someone's ex for information about them? Is it suspicious that the LW's partner didn't try to get the most from his divorce?