‘Did my mistake really warrant this response?’
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I started becoming very close with one friend this year, since we moved to the same city. She introduced me to her friends and we all became part of a big group. My friend had a short fling with one of the guys in the friend group, which ultimately ended in them deciding to stop hooking up and to remain friends.
Last weekend, I drunkenly hooked up with him. I do not even like him; it was simply a poor decision and a drunken lapse in character. I also lied to her about my whereabouts. The next day, I was sick to my stomach with regret, unable to eat and constantly crying. She was a great friend to me and I knew what I did was wrong. So I told her the truth, despite knowing it would hurt her and could jeopardize our friendship. As soon as I told her, she started berating me over text, telling me I need to stop hiding secrets from everyone in my life and to take a look at my morals. She texted our mutual friends to tell them I "slept with her man."
She then blocked me on all social media and told me she had me blacklisted at many of the bars in our city. I know what I did was wrong, but did my mistake really warrant this response? Should I have kept this secret to myself and pretended like everything was normal? I am standing by my decision, but I’m curious what others think.
– Sad, Bad Friend
"Should I have kept this secret to myself?"
It doesn't sound like keeping the secret was an option. You felt terrible – emotionally and physically – until you told the truth. Your whole body rejected it.
"Did my mistake really warrant this response?"
I can't say your actions warranted her going to bars and telling them not to let you in (for the record, I don't believe she did that). It would have made more sense for her to tell you she doesn't want to see you right now, and needs time to process what feels like a big betrayal. I guess this is her version of that. I do think it's OK that she blocked you on social media. That's part of taking space.
I can think of two lessons here, not counting the obvious "consider the consequences of your behavior" thing.
1. It sounds like you had some of this conversation – or maybe all of it – over text. Important talks should be a phone call, at the very least. In the future, try to do everything in the same room. It’s easier to show someone how you feel – and that you want to be accountable – when you're sitting with them. 2. It’s time to expand your friend group. If your access to this circle falls to one woman, it's not really yours. Even if she changes her mind and forgives, you'll want some companions outside of this community. Work on that.
Readers? Does the friend's response make sense? Any advice for this LW?
Speaking of Love
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