Will my letter change her mind?
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I can't chat today because I'll be dialing in to appear on WGBH today – talking about Batman, Love Letters, books, etc. Feel free to tune in (unless I get bumped because of a big news day). I think it's right after 1 p.m.
Shortly after turning 30 in 2019, I started dating the sweetest woman of all time. Though we had different political views on certain issues and came from different religious backgrounds, we made it work. Of all the people I brought home to meet my parents, she was their favorite.
She wanted to move fast, though. I was hesitant, having been hurt from a multi-year relationship that ended with my ex having an existential crisis and taking a new job across the country, with no warning, after we had made long-term plans. This new wonderful woman and I broke up at the end of 2020 due to concerns about different views, my own foolish hesitancy to move on from aforementioned ex, and the dynamics that the pandemic brought, which caused us to be isolated and to do a lot alone. She tends to be more impulsive, while I am more reserved and calculating.
The breakup lasted a few months and then we gave it another try. Things were better, but then she wanted to try living on her own in an apartment with no roommates closer to her parents. It was a longer drive from me, so we parted again. She said doing this helped her grow personally. We kept in touch nearly every day, and this summer we both admitted that we still love each other. She told me I was her best boyfriend ever, she wanted me to move to her area, her parents love me, and she thought it would eventually work out with us. She sent me intimate texts.
When the stars were just seeming to align and I was ready to tell her that I wanted to make things official again and move to her, she suddenly stopped talking to me for two weeks. I assumed she needed some space. Eventually, I texted her hello, and she told me that she had "a few life updates": she was buying a house and had just started seeing someone new, which was becoming "serious." She said she was happy. I responded only saying that I was happy for her.
I was devastated. Her text to me seemed so cold and out-of-character based on our interactions this summer. I mailed her a letter saying that I was happy for her and also reminding her that I love her and thought we were ready to make things permanently official. I told her if I were lucky enough to have another chance with her, I would make things right. I told her in the letter that she did not have to reply, but I had secretly hoped that she would. I have not heard back from her. She is my best friend and love of my life, and no contact is killing me. It feels like she is mixing the excitement of buying a new house with rushing into a relationship with someone who lives close by. This was a very fast change – we had, only a few weeks prior, sent very intimate texts.
Can I expect her to change her mind after reading my letter?
– Broken Up
She sounds very magnetic and wonderful, but maybe not great for you. She was buying a house and dating someone else while sending you intimate texts. Or, at the very least, she did one right after the other. She can feel one way and then change her mind. You seem much more ... well, like you said, reserved and calculating.
Even if she decided to be with you, how would those personality differences play out over time? If you don't trust her to know the difference between excitement over a house and a person, should you be with her?
My advice is to wait a bit. You're in some kind of bargaining or denial stage of grief, but acceptance and anger (or maybe just annoyance) will probably become part of this soon. She's had all this time to make life choices that have taught her about herself and what she wants. Now it's your turn. You can think about your life as your own – without anyone else on the board. You can move wherever or stay exactly where you are, if you like it. After almost three years of on-and-off confusion, there's space to do things at your own pace. No apologies for that.
I'm not sure your letter should change her mind. She hasn't made you that happy (consistently), and she is not your best friend.
You parents will like others.
So will you.
Readers? What happens now? What if she gets back in touch if this new relationship ends? What happened here?
"A letter is passive but that is your style. If you want to change her mind you should do something more active--show up at her door with flowers or something which is not your style. The common theme is dating this woman does not seem to be your style. Move on and ignore any response you might get to that letter you already sent." – sunalsorises