Should I remain separated from my husband?

I have been in a long marriage (30-plus years) with some happy times (beautiful children, travel, etc.) but also a lot of isolation and loneliness. My husband is a workaholic who is also over-involved with community activities. I experienced emotional abandonment, often parenting alone while my husband worked late nights and did stuff that was for "the good of the families in the community." I always felt like the children and I were of secondary importance in his life because he was working on bigger projects.

As the children got older, I acquired an additional degree, a professional job, and activities of my own. This summer, he had a complete breakdown and became overwhelmed by his many activities and responsibilities, some of which included financial responsibilities to some of the organizations he's involved with, to the point that he was unable to do his for-pay job and almost lost that. He also became emotionally abusive to the point that I had to ask him to move out. He is now getting treatment, medication, and therapy for mental illness, and he now seems more stable and companionable.

Initially we agreed to separate for six months while he recovered, in the hope that with couples counseling we could figure out if we could still be in a relationship. After about two months, he wanted to come home because he is lonely, but I still didn't feel ready. His behavior during the height of his illness seemed to highlight some of the other issues throughout our marriage, and over the past couple of months I got used to being in my own space. While my husband's therapist says that someone needs to live with him to monitor his medication and mental well-being, my own therapist and some friends are saying that I need the time apart from him and that he should be responsible for his own recovery, so I stuck by my decision. I feel some guilt about having chosen something that is good for me, but might be harmful to him.

Also, with the season change, I am beginning to feel lonely myself and am starting to miss him. Sometimes I feel that I have made a terrible mistake and that I have both abandoned someone when he needed me, and have let go of the possibility of companionship over the winter months and the restoration of the relationship. I guess the season change is bringing home the fact that neither of us is getting any younger and that time is short for making amends. Other times I fear the return of the same old patterns that may have been damaging to both of us, and even the chaos of his illness if that resurfaces. I wish I could articulate what my question really is because I have so many: Did I do the right thing? Can this relationship be restored? What is the balance between self-care and responsibility in a long-term partnership?

– "Selfish" Wife