Our values didn’t align, but I miss her

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I was involved with a woman for nine months. We slept together the first night. The electricity and chemistry felt right. We developed an instant connection and shared many interests, and really enjoyed each other's company. We would see each other two to three nights a week.

After a month, something felt off about the relationship. We had different attachment styles, but on the days we didn't see each other, something seemed wrong.

Also, our morals and values didn't align. She's more liberal about sex and open relationships. She's bisexual. She's had an abortion. I don't agree with her choices in life, but respected her beliefs.

At the end, she told me she was struggling with being attracted to other people, and wanted to date others. I was madly in love with her and was heartbroken. We tried to make it work for a couple of weeks, but eventually it didn't. She's dating other people now. I miss her and think about her all the time, even though it's been seven weeks since we were together. I know time eventually heals everything, but how do I get over her? I've had to start seeing a psychiatrist and taking antidepressants. I've been involved with many women before her, but this one really hurts.

– Hurt

Time doesn't zap the pain away, but it does put things in perspective. Give it more than seven weeks.

You're experiencing grief, doubt, and confusion. You're probably asking yourself questions about why you felt so close to this woman, even though your values didn’t align. It takes more than a month or so to sort through an important relationship. Take a deep breath and know that it will look different over time.

It's worth talking to your mental heath professional about this experience – why things felt off on days apart, and how your attachment style worked (or didn't) for you. If the psychiatrist doesn't do talk therapy, ask to be connected to someone who does.

A random thought about this breakup: in my own life, I've had more trouble moving on from people who were very wrong for me than possible partners who were better matches. I think it's because with the very wrong person, I did a lot of mental work to rationalize the obvious problems. I build a case in my brain to justify why the clear incompatibility would work itself out and disappear.

Then, when the relationship ended, I was in trouble – because I'd done such a good job convincing myself that it shouldn't. It took extra time to unravel the story I'd told myself about why the relationship was worth my time. Maybe that's happening to you too. You told yourself a tale about why this could work, despite all of the issues. It'll take some effort to undo it.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on getting over it?