How will we explain her past in pornography?
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I'm marrying someone who worked in the pornography industry ... a former porn star. We met at a volunteer gathering of hospice aides. I've found her to be so kind and loving – yet I do worry how my family will react when they inevitably find out.
Should we undergo couples counseling about this? I want us prepared to confront what will likely be judgement. There is little written about (or by) couples such as us and how they navigate a life together. I believe I can hate her past but love the person she is. There are no throwaway humans.
Also, I am assured by the fact that she has been committed to me alone for the past three years. Has anyone else experienced what we live with? And am I correct in deciding that no matter what others think, it is our life to grow?
It is your life to grow. Well said.
As long as you're comfortable with your partner and she makes you happy, the people in your life should be happy for you. This is more about how the two of you feel about each other ... right?
I ask because of the end of your second paragraph, which concerns me. Why are we talking about throwaway humans? Why is "hate" part of this narrative? If her past is a barrier for either of you, talk about that – in therapy, if you can – because it doesn't have to be a source of shame and discomfort. It's part of her journey, and it led her here.
Also know that there is no "inevitable" when it comes to your family. Did you know I worked for The Providence Journal before The Boston Globe? Probably not, because it's not on my LinkedIn page. I forgot to put it there. Not every piece of information is searchable ... unless you're looking.
Your partner doesn't have to talk to people about this if she doesn't want to. If she'd like to set a boundary with your family, she can. Or if she's happy telling them but doesn't feel like taking questions about it, that's fine too. Ask her how to keep things comfortable when it comes to sharing information.
Honestly, the most interesting part of this letter is how you met. You were at a volunteer gathering of hospice aides? Sounds like your values align in important ways. I assume your family will be interested to know that, above all else.
Readers? What do you think? Will they have to talk about this? Is there more work to do when it comes to acceptance?
Speaking of Love
"Love isn't something you feel, it's something you do. If the person you're with doesn't want it, do yourself a favor and save it for someone who does." — Nate, "Six Feet Under"