My male best friend of 20 years recently ended his relationship. Since that happened, we talk everyday, hang out more, and started having sex. I was hesitant because I value our friendship and did not want to ruin it. It feels natural, and we openly talk about our sexual needs.
But I am not sure if this is a friends-with-benefits situation or could be something more. He says he is not ready for another relationship now. I am not sure how I feel. I care deeply about him and could see a future for us. I value our friendship and do not want to lose that.
– Confused in friendship
Try asking him what he does want right now. If he's not interested in jumping into another committed relationship (assuming that's what he left), what is he asking for? How does he frame what's happening?
He might give you a big "I don’t know," and that’s OK. He might be figuring it out as he goes. As long as he's being honest.
That said, you know what you want. If his answer doesn't match any of your own hopes for the relationship, consider taking space to preserve what you have. You really like this romantic (and sexual) addition to the friendship, and it could continue as is, but it's going to become less pleasant if you're thinking about the future when you know he isn't. That's when the friendship will become even more vulnerable – because there might be resentment.
You probably won't love this advice. "Maybe you should stop having sex with your best friend who turns out to be great at sex" is not what anyone wants to hear. But be honest with yourself about why you wrote this letter. Ask him what he wants and then decide whether you need to take a step back to reset.
Readers? Any way to just take this one day at a time and enjoy?