What went wrong this time around?
I want to hear your questions about dating issues, marital woes, app fatigue ... email [email protected] or send your own letter here.
Recently I got a message from a guy I dated three years ago. We only dated for about two or three months. From what I remember, it ended amicably because we agreed there wasn't a strong romantic connection. However we did end up having a physical one. We hooked up a few times during that time period and went our separate ways, and we hadn't seen each other since.
I hit accept on the friend request on Instagram – then received a message from him saying that he wanted to "reconnect." When I asked him what he really meant by that, he said, "I remember we had fun together and we did get kinda hot and heavy, but I just wanna go out and see what happens." We hung out and I was expecting him to maybe rehash by talking about our history and what we've been up to since then, but of course we hooked up again. The second time we did, he seemed a little hot and cold. Before he left my apartment he said, "I don't really think we should see each other anymore like this."
And he used the classic "it's not you, it’s me" line. I know it was a huge mistake agreeing to meet up with him. but should I ask him for an explanation of why he thinks this all of a sudden, or should I just move on and make peace with it?
I think you know what happened here, right? He wanted to hook up – or to see if there was more potential than last time. You got together, did hook up, but there didn't seem to be sparks for more.
If you're looking for a deeper emotional relationship with someone, it's better that this ended now. This could have gone one for another three months, leaving you wondering why you repeated the experience for so much time.
Before you go into a deep hole of rejection and shame for making a mistake (for the record, it doesn't sound like a mistake; it was a fact-finding mission), please know that it doesn't seem like you were very interested in this man either time you went out. Part 1 was about sexual chemistry and it ran its course. Part 2 ... well, did you ask him questions about what he's been up to? Did you care? Did you laugh at his humor? Were you having a good time? I'm getting the sense you were going with the flow and figuring out his motives, and maybe you were there to hook up too. It does not sound like you felt a great pull to him as a human.
My guess is that it's not him or you, it's just a brief experience that's a step along the way. Move along.
Readers? What is this disappointment really about?
"He was between partners and remembered all the "fun" you used to have, so he looked you up and -- voila! -- still fun. A couple of times. If you don't like doing this kind of thing, then take it as a warning and move on." – OutOfOrder