Tell me your problems.
What are your love, dating, relationship, and single-life questions?
I have dated a guy for almost six years. He’s generally a good guy: loyal, hardworking, mature, and not a jerk at all. After two years together, I thought I would say yes if he proposed. But then things got difficult.
I’m an ambitious and driven woman. From the time we started dating, I was almost always chasing something. I looked for internships and ended up doing four before graduating. Then I was looking for a full-time job, And when I got the job, I tried to move to better companies. It was when I was preparing for a dream job interview, two years in, that he started to be different and colder. I was really stressed because of my job preparation, which lasted months, and he really made the anxiety a lot worse.
He told me he didn't want to be with someone who couldn't be content with what she had. He told me he was thinking abut ending the relationship. He said I overwhelmed him with talk about my stress. I wound up talking to two psychologists about my issues.
Even though I was hurt, I wanted to give him and the relationship another chance. He was nice to me again. He sad he still wanted to marry me one day.
One thing I didn't like about him is he took a long time to reply to my messages (sometimes seven hours would go by). This behavior was an issue from the start. One day, he didn’t get back to me after a doctor's check-up, I was angry with him. Then he ignored me for two days. He said he it was hectic at work. He told me things would change, and I recorded him saying it. That made him angry (the recording), and he broke up with me right then.
He said that he loved me so much, and accepted all my flaws, but if he had a girlfriend who didn’t accept all his flaws, he didn’t want to be with her. The next day, I messaged him. He replied (after nine hours) and we decided to get back together. But I was angry about everything he had done in the past – moments that he was insensitive, even mean.
So I told him I wanted to break up. He was shocked because we were fine again. He told me he’s been planning his own life around my job, thinking about when it would be best to have kids, so he can help me manage it all. He was also confused about what to say to his friends because he told all his friends that he was sure about me.
I told him I needed time to think. I start a master’s degree soon that will have us in a long-distance relationship for two years. Should I stay with him or break up? I’m just afraid I won't find a guy I like as much. I’m also afraid that our problems will be worse if I marry him. Appreciate your thoughts and thank you so much for reading my long story!
– Now what?
I see two options; you can break up now, or you can break up after you get to grad school.
I do think you'll want to break up, even temporarily. If you give yourself some freedom, you'll be able to figure out if you really want a life with him. Also, he'll be able to focus on himself, as opposed to a text schedule. This is great time to say, lovingly (it doesn't have to be a fight), "Hey, let’s do our own thing. We can always revisit the relationship, but let's see how it feels to be on our own.”
Again, you can wait until you're at school to talk about this. It might be easier to enjoy your time together now, and then have a conversation when you’re already used to not being in each other's routines.
You say you're scared you won't meet someone you like as much. I think you’d meet people you enjoy in different ways. You also might thrive as a single person who isn't dating at all. No waiting on texts. Really, you have so much to do right now. What a great time to take a break or date casually.
I have no big thoughts about your history with your boyfriend; I'm more focused on your future. All I know is that you’re both doing a ton of work to keep it going – despite all of your different goals, priorities, and plans – and maybe it shouldn’t be so difficult.
Think about when you want to let go. Because it’s time.
Readers? Time to break up? Can this relationship turn into something great?