Two men, one choice

How are you relationships (or lack thereof) faring right now? Do you have concerns about how to date or find/keep partners as we head into flannel pajama season?

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I feel as if I am caught in a love triangle and don't know which way to turn. I ended a five-year relationship six months ago due to the fact he wasn't ever going to propose to me. We can call him Adam. Adam and I live together and own a dog together. Since the breakup, he has been living in the basement and he moves out at the end of the month. I truly thought he was the person I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with, but after many warnings throughout the past two years, I finally had to end it and move on and find someone who is dying to marry me and propose.

Recently after the breakup, I met someone through friends and am falling quickly for him. We will call him Carter. He understands my situation at home and has been extremely patient with me and having an ex who lives with me. Obviously with dating a new person, you get into a new and different routine of doing things – and I don't know if I like or can continue the routine we have gotten into. Carter works all the time and we never have similar days off. It is all me going over there late at night and leaving early in the morning. When we do get a day off together, he spoils me and always have fun, but it is rare that happens. Also I am the type that enjoys going out to my local bars on nights I have off, whereas Carter would much rather stay home and lounge around, and this seems to be our main argument.

I enjoy the time I spend with him and he treats me incredibly, but the more time I spend with him the more I am questioning whether or not to take back Adam. I miss the lifestyle that Adam and I grew together with friends and our favorite "date night" spots and our routine that we had. Lately we have been grabbing drinks or dinner, and it has been eye-opening how much I miss him and our life we built. I don't know what to do. Either I take Adam back and accept I may never be engaged or married to him, but we continue to grow our life together. Then I'll never really know what could have happened with Carter. Or I say goodbye to Adam for good and explore what could be with Carter even though there is still a lot to learn about him. HELP.

– Adam or Carter


You forgot the third option, which is to break up with Carter and stay broken up with Adam. It doesn't sound like either man is a match for you right now.

Carter's schedule might be temporary, so I can look past that if he seems like a good possible partner in all other ways, but he very much doesn't. You want different lives – and very different Friday nights. Let Carter go. Accept that some breakups are amicable and low-drama. It's been a great experience, and now you know so much more about what you want in a new significant other.

Please don't compare your relationship with Carter to what you have with Adam. That's unfair – mostly to you. I’ll try this metaphor: with Adam, it's like wearing a pair of incredible pajamas that feel so good but might fall apart after two more washes (Sorry. I’m wearing similar pajamas right now.). Any new sleepwear will feel weird and boxy for a bit, and might even mess up other laundry in the wash. But that doesn't mean you (or I) can wear the old, comfy pajamas forever. They're still falling apart, despite how they feel right now. (Oh Target, why didn't you keep making this brand?)

The point is, Adam knows your history and literally lives in your basement. Of course it feels easy and special to be with him. But you ended things with him after two years of "warnings." That hasn't changed.

I'm not sure you should be with anyone in your  current cast of characters. Make space to consider others.

– Meredith

Readers? Aren't there more pajamas in the sea?